I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
People in love make me want to vomit
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Randomize
