I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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