It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
