She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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