I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize