Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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