dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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