just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
