on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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