I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
