before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
