I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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