Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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