Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
