my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I fill condoms, not promises.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
