There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
