i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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