My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
