I just threw up on my dentist
i just google imaged poop.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize