So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
