I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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