My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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