Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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