drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
