We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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