You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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