so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
