I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I yelled at your uterus for you.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
