Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize