It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Success! We fucked roommates!
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