i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
