How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize