how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
