Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
