Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
