theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
