Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
