i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I want to fling myself into the sun
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize