I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
