I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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