I wish they made helmets for livers.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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