He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
