So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
