return my video game
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
