dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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