Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
