last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
