When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
