My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
