I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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