Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize