So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
