You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
