The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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