so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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