Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
