We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
