Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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