hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We had to coat check the pizza.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
