I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
