If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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