; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
