Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
