Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
