So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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